Amoral Crimelord in Bullet Hell
by RCN
Summary: A semi-self insert inspired (read: borderline plagiarized without permission) by Magnificent Sasquatch's "Average Joe in Bullet Hell". *Edit: huh, people seems to be fascinated to the fact that i just hit Yukari with a bus. an A380 bus, to be specific.*
1. Chapter 1

**So, I've just read this fiction called 'Average Joe in Bullet Hell' (You might want to read that first) apparently written by a certain high breed of a sasquatch. Most likely by using a special order keyboard.**

**It's a semi-self insert staring the idealized version of the author, named Ryan Randa. When I read this fic, I often wonder aloud, 'how come I can relate to this Ryan guy so well?'. Then he declares himself a 'shameless gamer' and a wave of self-realization hit me like a Great White.**

**So yeah, since me and this Ryan guy share some basic personalities, I thought maybe I can do similar thing using the sasquatch's (Sasquatches? How many sasquatches would you need to write a fanfic?) head-canon (Hope the sasquatches doesn't mind, sasquatch assassin are hard to dealt with.), but with my own 'touch'. I'm not expecting it to be as good as the original, mainly because I barely speak English, but hey, sod it. This is just for fun. Like playing an RPG.**

**PS: This author always wants to be an Italian that grown up in England, have a little sister, and most likely in need of a professional mental aid.**

**PSS: This author is also a self-centered, arrogant, narcissistic A-hole. His self-projection is most likely involves something that's improbable, impossible, or downright ridiculous.**

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Chapter 1: A bus to Gensokyo.

"Ahahahahahaha!"

As people have said, laughter is what gives the world its colors.

Or was it diversity?

Meh, doesn't really care.

Because I'm gonna die! Nyahahahahahaha!

_Booom!_

"Brother!" shouts my little sister, panicking in the co-pilot seat. "I think we've just lost the second engine!"

"Good!" I said, all the while struggling to read the tiny text on the book on my lap. It's hard, because the very thing that I'm sitting on might very well goes asplode at any moment.

"What do you mean good!? And you should have read that friggin manual while we're _on the ground!_"

"Well, we are only halfway obliterated! I'd say that the odds are good!"

The plane gives a loud tremor, and another boom. There goes the third engine.

"Well, alright! _Slightly _more than halfway to being completely obliterated! Close enough! The odds are still in our favor!"

Dammit, plane! Stop rumbling so that I don't have to raise my voice!

"The odds to what?! Going splat on the Atlantic Ocean?!"

"Do you have to be so negative?"

"Snatch!" that's my nickname, by the way. "We are about two thousand feet above sea level and rapidly descending! Are you off your meds again?"

"Come on, Karen. You know I've never took those meds in the first place. And don't call me Snatch!"

"Ha!" laughs my sister sarcastically. "Then, _Mr. Bander,_ do you still think conning an A380 from a Qatar oil sheik is a good idea?"

By the way, me and my sister here are con-artists.

Well, no. we are actually just weapon dealers, but that doesn't sounds as glorious.

"I'm still reconsidering, maybe I should have taken the oil well instead." I reminiscing, while still trying to arm-wrestle the control stick into submission. "And don't call me _Bander!"_

"Then what should I call you, oh my piece-of-shit excuse of a brother?!" lashes Karen. Her short blond hair is ruffled, her blazer is a mess, and I think something just snapped.

"Well, princess, you could try to start calling me Mr. Aquila!"

"That's our father's name!"

Man, what a butthurt of a sister!

"Ai! Whatever! Just call me whatever you want!"

"Very well, Runt!"

Ow, come on. I might be short for my age, but 'Runt'? Really?

Bah! I don't care anymore. You see, I am actually the perfect example of how parents trying to give their child a cool name could backfire spectacularly.

Hello there! My name is Bandersnatch Aquila, nice to meet you! You know how many atomic wedgies I've received in middle school because of that name? Fucking forty two! And yes! I counted!

"Why brother, why? Why can't you just stay sane for the fifteen minutes you need to hire a professional pilot?"

"Well, since it's hard to trick an airbus out of border, I thought that I might as well take it for a virgin flight."

"Without reading the manual?"

"I admit that I might have taken a serious case of misjudgment after my third glass of cheap brandy, but…"

"You're drunk!?"

"I am…what, do you mean right now? Or then?"

"Brother! You're drunk! I can see it! Even with that silly thing in your face!"

"I am mostly sober right now, and for your information, this is called an 'Aviator Sunglasses'!"I took the dark oval object with thin steel frame off from my face, and put it inside the breast pocket of my Hugo Boss suit. "But I guess it doesn't make me a better pilot, huh?"

My sister ignores me as she frantically checks on the now half-functional instrument panel with her now teary electric blue eyes.

Now that I think about it, my sister looks like Hitler's wet dream.

…

Excuse me while I commit mental suicide.

"500 feet! The ocean is literally just in an arm reach!"

"500 feet arm reach? Are you talking about Godzilla?!"

"Arrgh! Can't you just read the mood!"

Meh.

"What the heck did we hit anyway? What could makes the first engine just malfunction like that? We were at 30.000 feet! Outside of any known international flight-path! All I saw was a brisk of purple, and then the engine exploded!"

"I'm pretty sure I saw a young blond lady carrying a parasol. And I think that she did wearing a purple dress…"

"At 30.000 feet?"

"Maybe I really should took that medi-"

My words are cut short as we splash splat into the ocean.

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A/N: I usually use the metric system, not this 'feet' thing. And I hate math in general, so…what is the average cruise altitude of an A380?

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Oi.

Okay note to self, naming your very first jumbo jet 'Icarus' is not a good idea. My next long-haul airplane would be called something in the line of "The Totally not Exploding" or some such.

Now, for the standard protocol. The first two important things to do after your not-so-voluntary landing is usually to gather two kinds of very vital piece of intelligence, simply called the **AYSYHBET P** and the **W FAI**.

They are short for "Are You Sure You Haven't Been Exploded to Tiny Pieces" and "Were da Fuk Am I".

Check my head, still intact. My depth perspective is okay, means none of my eyes got busted. And somehow my fedora is still attached to my skull. Good.

And yes, I'm wearing a fedora. No, I'm not trying to copy Al Capone. I pay taxes. (Laundered money, but hey.)

My aviator sunglasses are still in my breast pocket. In the inside pocket of my jacket there is a kilogram worth of plastic explosive leftover from a deal in Somalia. And in my shirt pocket there is the timed detonator for said plastic explosive.

Tied around my wrist, there's my IPod, it's that cute little model that doubles as a wristwatch. The earbuds is in one of my side pocket.

Hidden below my jacket there are two separate pistol holsters on my right and left sides, carrying one AMT Longslide and one AMT Hardballer, each filled with seven rounds of the standard 45 ACP.

The two back pockets of my slacks each are carrying two 7-rounds magazine.

So that's about 42 shots. Enough to kill anyone.

…

Why do I have the feeling that I've just make a fool out of myself?

Anyway, yes, I'm sure I haven't been exploded into tiny pieces, thank you very much.

Now, on to the 'W FAI' category.

Standing on my feet, I found myself staring at a lake of considerable size, sparkling beautifully under the morning sun. The thin mist that covers the entire lake gives it even more radiance.

Man, if I cut out some of these trees, I can make one heck of an apartment complex. But alas, it appears that someone has beaten me to it, for I spy with my eyes a large red mansion on the opposite side of the lake.

Maybe it's belongs to the landlord of this area. Now, common sense would dictates for me to immediately go to said mansion and try to buy out this land for a reasonable price.

Alas, it could not be, for conscience reared his ugly head and demanded I search out for my little sister first.

Ah, yes, conscience. Never like that guy. He usually absent, but when he does present, I usually will do something stupid.

Ever once that my own conscience robbed me of a very profitable business agreement on the coastline of Africa, all Just because he doesn't want to see a camp full of refugees being obliterated.

Well, I got to kill one 'evil' warlord and managed to lure most of the others into one massive clusterfuck of a civil-war, thus raising the selling rate of my post WW2 surplus M1 Carbines. So it's a win-win situation, I guess.

Well, except for the said warlord that I've personally shot myself. Just for your information, shooting a hollow point projectile to someone's head at point blank often results in a two week worth of effort cleaning brain matters out of your Armani suit. (It's not like I can bring it to a Laundromat.)

But it appears that I don't have to worry that much about my conscience, since my sister is actually just being unconscious a few meters besides me.

From the movement of her (barely-there) chest, I can see that she is still breathing, but maybe I should check for internal injuries.

I manage to take exactly two and a half steps towards her before my foot stumbles into something that sends me careening into the second most epic faceplant of the day.

From the taste of the dirt, I can tell that this is indeed a fine and fertile land.

I raise my face out of the earth, and see the culprit for my embarrassing failure of walking like a dignified human being. It was a long steel briefcase. A very familiar, long steel briefcase.

_Weird. I thought I left that back in __Monteriggion__i?_

I start to move in order to check if the content of that briefcase really is, in fact, the first thing that I've ever received from my late father, but before my fingers can reach the lock, a voice ringed from my right side.

"It must has a strong emotional connection for it to follows you all the way here."

Well, I killed my father with it, making it my first weapon for my first murder. That, combined with a beautiful sense of irony, I think saying that it has "strong emotional connection" won't be too far off.

Wait, who's talking?

A few meters across me, there is a blond woman in an extravagant purple dress.

I can see that her face would be pretty, if it wasn't covered in soot.

I can see that her dress would looks expensive and regal, if it wasn't torn in places.

I can see, that her long blond hair is well groomed, even under all that ashes.

I can see that, even with the various burn marks, that her skin is smooth like a piece of porcelain.

Her yellow eyes (wait, what?) would be so dazzling, if it wasn't too busy being all red and swollen.

Overall, this seemingly middle-aged woman gives the aura of a member of nobility who has been recently shoved through an active jet engine.

Wait…

"Excuse me if I'm being rude here lady, but who are you?"

I stand straight on my feet, trying to look as gentleman-like as possible.

"My, to ask such question after what you did to me?" She snarks at me with the tone of a sulking child, unsuited for her age.

Um…what exactly did I do to you? Not anything too socially shunned, I hope.

"Well, I guess this is partially my fault. I forgot to never take a leisure flight at the cruise altitude of commercial airliner. But hey." She shrugged. "It's not like I have an altimeter in my head. Anyway, this is mostly your fault. The only reason I can't see a jumbo jet going for me is because you fly it like a dive bomber. Someone's going to need to teach you how to fly, boy, pronto!"

I'm intrigued to scream 'what the flicks are you talking about', but the lady already starts to speak again.

Well, actually, it's sounds more like sulking than talking.

"Aw…even Hinezumi threads can't stand being inside an active jet engine for more than few minutes." She said, examining her torn clothes.

"Anyway…" her eyes darted into mine, and then to the body of my still unconscious sister. "It seems that in my somewhat less than perfect attempt of getting out, I've accidentally drag you both here."

"And where exactly is 'here'?" I asked, but she has completely ignored me at this point.

The woman gives a shrug, then say:

"Eh, I was planning to go around the outside world a little bit more for a suitable candidate, but since you both are already here, I guess I can make a few adjustments."

She walks toward me, until we are face to face.

Damn, she's tall.

"What's your name, boya?"

"May I have yours first, if it's possible?"

"Hmph! Fine. It's Yakumo Yukari. Or, if we're going by your rule, Yukari Yakumo, of the Yakumos."

I see. The surname and first name are reversed, just like in Japan.

On totally unrelated note, it's wreckingly hard to sell firearms in Japan.

"My name is Aquila Bandersnatch. Of the Aquilas."

Damn, I feel silly already, saying my own name.

I offer my right hand, she took it, while the other hand busily covering her mouth, obviously trying to hide a smirk, or worse, holding in a full out laughter.

"Uh…ku!...righ…um…mister…ge! Aquila, I will meet you again after… hehe…"

Yup, definitely holding a full out laughter.

After the woman who claims to be 'Yukari of the Yakumos' managed to collect herself from the fact that my mother apparently hates me, she finally managed to finish her sentence.

"Right, Mister Aquila. I will meet you both again later, after a change of clothes."

I want to quip with the standard "yeah, you look like shit" comeback, but then something indescribable happened.

Let me see how far I can describe it with my novice English skill.

She lifted her index finger up in the air, and then she brought it down, like opening a zipper. And then a gap in reality is formed.

It's some sort like a portal, a door floating in air. But unlike a portal, this gap doesn't seem to lead to anywhere. Instead it's filled with…_thing._

Thing….I don't know…I want to say 'eyes' but…whatever inside that hole is something that isn't meant to be described.

Yukari proceed to walk inside this 'gap', the 'eyes' move away to accommodate her presence.

I want to say something, oh, believe me I want to say something, a lot of things. But I'm afraid that if I open my mouth now, all that comes out would be 'what. The. Fuck.' And that would be rude in front of a lady, no?

"By the way, Mister Aquila?" says Yukari, I can only see her head through her gap.

"I'm afraid to say that your phone is at the bottom of the ocean."

Right, because the most important thing in my mind right now is my IPhone 5.

And then she's gone. I am left alone with my steel briefcase and an unconscious little sister.

But again, maybe it's a good thing that she's unconscious.

"Ow…"

Ah, it seems like she's finally sobering up.

She sat up, frantically looking left and right, until her eyes land upon me in which she then gives a relieved sight. Then she stands up, and dusts off some of the earth that has been stuck to her slacks. (my sister isn't the kind of woman who'd wear skirt, which is understandable given our line of profession.)

"Good morning, princess. You don't happen to carry some of my medicine around, do you?"

"Well, no, brother, but I do have some anxiety suppressant."

"Give it to me."

She throws a small plastic jar from her pocket, I catch it and retrieve a small white tablet from it. I don't need water, so I just proceed to swallowing it.

And then I take another one.

And then another.

And another.

One more, and I good to go.

"Wow, and I thought that thing isn't addictive."

"It wasn't." I said as I close the lid and throw the jar back to her. "I just really need it."

"Where are we?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"When I said 'I don't know', that means I don't know."

I kneeled on top of my briefcase, and put in the date of my first pet (it's a cat) birthday on the lock mechanism. It opens with a loud click.

"Hey, is that…"

"Yup." I claimed excitedly as I opened the briefcase. "It's Bianca."

"I thought you've left it back at the _villa_?"

"I did. But it's here now. Maybe Bianca just can't stand being far away from me."

My sister shrugged. "You know, I'm kind of creeped out on the fact that you named your weapon."

"Hey, I was only fourteen when I first received this thing, and Bianca is the only weapon that I've ever named."

Bianca is, by the way, a sniper rifle. Tosca green, 1230 mm, 7 kilogram worth of 338. Lapua Magnum deathspitter with bolt action mechanism and effective range of over fifteen hundred yards.

Her kind is known to all _Counter Strike _players as "Those motherfucking derp-cannons", the rest of the world known them as Accuracy International, Arctic Warfare Magnum.

Or simply AWM, for short.

Besides the currently unloaded Bianca, there are two detachable box magazines, containing 10 cartridges in total. There's also a bipod attachment.

Satisfied, I closed the briefcase again, and scramble the lock.

"Now what?" asks my sister.

"Well, you see that mansion across the lake?" I pointed at the scarlet mansion I've spotted before. "We can get some help, I guess."

"Then what are we waiting for? Come on, I'm hungry, maybe they have some food. You do have your wallet, right?"

"Right here in my side pocket. Now let's just hope that they accept USD."

And with that, we are on our way. It took us about 15 minutes of light jog to circle around the lake before we are finally greeted by a massive brick wall with only one double door gate made of crafted steel bar.

In front of that gate, stands a young girl with hair an interesting shade of red, clad in what I can only assume as green traditional Chinese outfit. Her eyes are closed.

"Is she sleeping?"

"I don't know, princess, but if she is sleeping, well, then she posses some skill! Standing-sleeping is hard, you know? I barely managed to sleep while sitting."

"I don't know if 'laziness' would count as 'skill'."

"It is! In fact, achieving greatness with minimal efforts is a very hard skill to master!"

"Bah, keep telling yourself that, brother."

I was about to retort with a witty comeback when suddenly there's an annoying buzzing noise.

Bee.

The blasted thing flew straight off for my face, as if asking 'please sock me'.

So I catched it, and then crush it inside my fist.

_Cruuunch!_

Eww. Bug juice.

"For someone that usually just lazing around, you sure took the extra effort just to get rid of a bug."

"What can I say? I hate bugs. Got a tissue?"

"No, but maybe this girl does."

Well, yes maybe I should ask her…

Now that I examine her a little closer, I realize something odd about this Chinese girl.

What is she doing here? Is she the gate guard? If that so, isn't it quite odd? She looks like a frail girl, can't be older than seventeen, with a face more suited to be a supermodel than a guard. Besides, if she's a guard, where is her weapon? I might be as short as napoleon, but I bet I can still beat her with a single punch.

…

There, it's that feeling again. I feel like once more have just make a fool out of myself. Why is that?

"Excuse me, missy?" I called. No response. Is she really sleeping? "Hello?" stills no response. But I have no choice. It does seem like the only way inside the compound would be to go through this girl. Hmm… maybe I can give her a light knock on the head? Nothing major, just like knocking a door.

_Knock! _Hello! Anyone there!?

"Eiiyee!" Her eyes snapped open and she leapt to her feet with a startled shriek. Maybe I hit her too hard? My, how ungentlemanly of-

*CHOKE*

-ME! _Jehosophat_, I couldn't breathe! For being a bit dainty looking, she had the grip of a trash compactor! On my throat, no less!

"Have you no honor? Striking someone when she's resting her eyes, for shame!" Again, despite appearance, her voice had a nicely commanding edge to it. Maybe being a guard was appropriate for her.

"Hey! Let go of my brother!"

So this is how it feels to be on the noose? Then remind me to never enter the Middle East ever again until they have forgotten what I did to their economy.

Fortunately, years upon years of experience dealing in harsh business environment has granted me ability of speaking clearly, even when being choked to death.

"Excuse me misss… there was…ugh…" come on you rusty ol' brain! Think of a lie! You always been good at that!

"Bee!" shouts my sister.

"What?" she is still choking me, by the way.

"There was a bee that landed on you, my brother hate bugs, you see."

Nice save sister. I quickly raise my palm. With the poor corpse of a crushed bee still smothered all over.

"Ah." And then she finally let go off me. I think I've never appreciated breathable oxygen more in all my life like I do now, not even from that time with the Somalian pirates.

"My mistake." Muttered the young girl sheepishly, before clearing her throat and reassuming an imposing position. "A-Anyway! What business do you have with the lady of the mansion?"

"Well, at first, I think I would want to begin wi-"

"Is there some manner of incident?"

"Well, technically, our plane-"

"Have you come looking for work?"

"I do have some sort of business pro-"

"Aha! You must intend to cause trouble to the mistress! Such a suspicious looking person…well, I won't have it!" She declared a little too proudly, fists at her hips.

Again, for such a pretty face, said face is also pretty…punch-able right now.

"I-no, can you just please calm down for a moment? Then we can start talking like a reasonable human being."

I once again feel like I've just make a fool out of myself, for some reason.

Anyway, it doesn't seem like I can drive a proper bargain with this girl. And I usually have enough persuasion power to make a bull do a headstand. Does it mean that this girl's skull is thicker than a bull?

I wipe off the remains of the bee corpse on my trouser, and then opened my mouth to see if can start the bargain anew.

"I wish to-"

"At any rate, it doesn't matter. Lady Remilia isn't taking any visitors at the moment, especially a funny-looking human. Now, please leave at once." She placed her fists on her hips and tapped her foot impatiently. Oh come on, you said please, but your tone is seriously making me want to shoot you with a nuke. What an irritating piece of gate guard you are. And what do you mean 'human'?

I'm just about to speak my mind (in a more polite manner, of course) when my sister beat me to it.

"What do you mean 'human'!" She asked, echoing my thoughts moments before. "How rude can you be? I've half a mind to go in there anyway and tell this 'Remilia' how rude her China-girl gate guard is being!" shouted my dear little sister, folding her arms over her chest in a very pompous manner.

There is a sudden silence. She stares in shock. This eerie silence, from my experience dealing with many business discussions going awry, is the sign to go skedaddle.

My fear is then confirmed as her shocked expression immediately turned into murderous rage.

"W-WHAT…did you call me?" She spoke in a harsh whisper. Hmm? Are her eyes glowing? Nice. I think I've just stumble into a whole new level of trouble.

"You said…Ch-China?" Her voice raised. Huh, they sure take racism seriously here. And are that fangs?

As the British says; Oi, bollocks.

"Princess?"

"Yes brother?"

"You might want to-"

"**HOW DARE YOU!"**

Whoa, Cockblasted. The girl suddenly launched a fierce roundhouse that I barely managed to jumped back to avoid, and **accidentally **takes out a chunk of the nearby brick wall.

In the immortal words of George S. Patton; HOLY FLAMING POPE SHIT!

"Who told you that name! Is it Kirisame!? Did the ice fairy put you up to this!?" She raised her first and swung downward at me, missing and creating a massive crack in the ground at the same time. My, my. She didn't even break a nail! "Tell me now!"

_Dash! _My little sister valorously turns heel and scram. Traitor.

Well, I don't know what that was all about, but I think this is a good timing for me to commence a single well executed maneuver of rapid tactical repositioning.

Or, in layman's term; _ZOINKS! Like, run for it, Scoob!_

And with that random yet oddly fitting train of thought, I secure my grip on my steel briefcase in one hand, secure my fedora with the other, and sped off in a manner worthy of all Benny Hill remix that has and will ever be created. Tally ho!

That is when the Chinese girl took off into the air and start giving an aerial chase.

In the immortal words of Walter Elias Disney; what a dirty pile of rat crap!

My sister, being a tomboy, and wearing a low-ankle boots, quickly left me behind with my poor dress shoed feet to fend off for ourselves.

Right behind me (well, a little bit up), the frail looking Chinese girl is shouting unfamiliar names of whom me and my sister might be an accomplish of.

"Okay, lady!" again, I thanked my years of experience of outrunning border patrols for my ability to speak clearly even when being chased by superior fire power. "First, we know of no Kirisame, nor of any Ice Fairy, and while we might have about a dozen of vengeful ghosts haunting us 24/7 due to our past deeds, I can assure you that none of them are named 'Yuyuko' or 'Youmu', and what the flaming dung is a 'Tengu'!?"

I don't know how long I've been running, but we've reached the spot from where we've started, at the other side of the lake. I check my IPod watch. Hmm, apparently, fifteen minutes of light jog is equal to two minutes of running haphazardly while being chased by flying Chinese terminator. Go figure.

"Don't lie to meeeee~!" She shouts, not as angry as before but still pretty peeved. "All the humans who can fight seem to know each other!"

"And for fuck's sake, mate! What makes you think I'm any good at fighting?" seriously, I'm a merchant! Well, albeit a particularly handsome one, with more firepower than Venezuela. But still, when it comes to any actual fighting, I usually just hire mercenaries.

"Why else would you have that sword?" she growls, which I ignore as I follow my sister inside the forest that surround the lake. What sword? I ask, but when I check my hip, my question is quickly answered. Tucked inside my belt, there is a French rapier, about the perfect length of somebody of my stature. Where did that come from?

…

This thing a fucking deadweight!

I quickly remove the rapier from my belt, unsheathed it, and throw it backward in hope that it might hit the Chinese girl in the heart. No such luck.

But seriously, where the sod that thing came from? And I have a gun for fuck sake! Why would I need a sword?

Wait…

I have a gun!

And with that, the ground behind me exploded, without giving me a chance to pull out anything from under my tight, buttoned up jacket.

In communist china, little girl beats _YOU!_

"Throwing away your weapon! Have you no honor left as a warrior!?"

Note to self: in case of lightning fast flying kung-fu master, always keep at _least _one pre-cocked gun under your shirt, and always wear an unbuttoned trench coat or long coat for easy concealment and retrieval.

Anyway, that just now gives me enough motivation to triple my speed and catch up with my sister.

"Hello, princess!" I shout as we running side by side.

"Is that girl flying?!"

"Apparently so! It just like back at Sydney with the Australian border patrol!"

"You and I remember Sydney very differently!"

"Well, doesn't matter! Flying Chinese girl and an attack helicopter don't really have that much of a difference!"

"What the fuck are you talking about!?"

"We split up! Whoever get chased by that little death machine shall not bear grudge against the other!"

And so, we start running to the opposite direction of each other.

And of course, by the blessing of the patron saint of irony, I ended up being chased instead.

Okayokayokay! I got it, lady! Racism and stereotyping is bad! Can you stop trying to kill me? No? Shit! Gah, Cockblasted! she's still getting closer! This has to end soon, my legs already feel like bacon at this point. I have to look for a clear path…ah, this forest is too thick! Why can't you just gave me a machete, whoever you are!? Instead of a useless sword!

_Swooosh._

Hmm? Wait…

What's that up ahead? They look like a group of flying…Sutras? Amulets? Ofuda? Aw, time like this is when I really want to have Wikipedia implanted in my brain. Oh, they are flying this way. Pretty quickly, too.

"Oi, you! Duck those, already!" A feminine voice rings out.

I don't really understand, but at this point, my brain already shrugged and says "Fuck it". Commence the might of Saturday Night Fever!

Switching my weight to my back and bending my knees, I begin to execute a beautiful double-knee slide worthy of any world champion limbo dancer, while the cards fly past me and into my assailant's face. They explode in a multitude of colors upon contact, and seems to do hefty damage to guard-girl, who covers her face in pain.

Okay, quick quiz! Blinded eyes + velocity + flight + thick forest = ?

*CRRRRR-ACK!*

The answer is, of course! An epic faceplant against an unfortunate tree! Such a beautiful sight that makes me tempted to reach for my IPod and play the theme for "George of the Jungle" at max volume!

Anyway, I'm now again, for the third time today, looking face to face with a pretty lady. But hey! This time the lady in question is not in possession of a trans-dimensional eye-beast nor any glowing eyes and fangs! Well, of course, she's also floating a good one meter over the ground, but with all the things I got through today, I consider that an A-okay! She's dressed in a traditional-looking garb with a red and white motif bearing detached sleeves that doesn't cover her armpits. She's holding a _Gohei _and overall looks like some sort of _Miko_. Tough I don't really remember, but do all shrine maidens wear big red ribbon the size of Mount Fuji? (By the way, attending tea ceremony with the head of the Yakuza does wonder for one's knowledge of Japanese culture. That, and running prostitution ring. An abnormal number of Japanese young men have a weirdly specific fetish for "Armpit Miko". And I though the Germans were crazy.)

This lady is, again, looks younger than me, a frail looking brunette. But experience dictates that this girl most likely could kill me with no effort. So, let's be polite, shall we?

"Hello there, lady."

"Are you going to ever get up or what?"She asks me in monotone.

Eh? Oh, right. I haven't recovered from my previous awesome slide.

She lowers a hand to help me up, which I graciously take. She hefts me up pretty easily, considering the size difference…which somewhat confirms my fear that this girl could probably bench-press Chuck Norris to the moon.

"You alright? Did she damage you too much?"

"Bah! I have better time outrunning French parkour drug smugglers!"

The girl stares at me in confusion.

"Ah, sorry, I might be a little bit impolite…"

"What my stupid brother trying to say is…?" said my sister, who has come out from nowhere. "…Is that he's grateful for the save."

"So, Karen, is this your brother?"

"Yes, he is."

"He doesn't look that impressive."

"Yes, he is."

Ouch, come on. That stings.

"So, um…you two know each other?"

"We've just met, brother."

"She almost fell through a cliff. You as an older brother should take a better care for your own sister."

"It's okay, lady Hakurei, I can take care of myself."

"Cut it off with the 'lady'. Just call me Reimu." Demands Reimu, sounds a little bit irritated.

"Ah…right. Um, so I guess…thank you for the save?" I offer my hand to be shaken which she just glances at curiously, as if this was a totally foreign concept.

Okay, let's try different approach.

I put one fist on my chest, and one fist behind my back, and then bow in a European style curtsy.

The 'Reimu' girl stares at me for a bit before realizing what I'm trying to do, then she bends her back in Japanese style bow, with both of her arms pulled straight.

Eh, close enough.

"Now that I think about it, your apparel is a bit unusual, isn't it?" oh? You've just realized that now? Certainly a man and woman wearing the latest design of Violet Tsirblou is not a common sight in this kind of place.

"You wouldn't happen to be from the Outside World, would you?"

"Excuse me, what?" asks my sister, unable to follow the conversation.

Outside world? Hmm, the eye-lady did mention something about 'outside world' and 'suitable candidate'.

"Does this have anything to do with middle-aged blond woman with freaky portal beast?" I ask, with all the subtlety of a death metal band, causing my sister to once again gives me that 'what' look.

I can see Reimu's body tensed up, and I swear I can hear a voice inside my mind shouting 'I'm not that old!'. I might require another visit to my psychiatrist.

"Did she wear a purple dress?"

"Excuse me?"

"Answer the question."

"I…yes, she did." Albeit a torn up one, which for some unexplainable reason I have the feeling that I'm the one responsible for it.

"Yukari." She mumbles loud enough for me to hear. She turns back to me and my sister.

"Right. I get this now, but it looks like you guys is coming with me for the moment."

"Wait, isn't that a little bit sudden?"

"Well, maybe, princess, but would you prefer to stay here with that china-girl?"

I point at the gate-guard, who seems to be getting up.

"No, brother."

"So we have an agreement." Said Reimu, grabbing both me and my sister hand. "Let's go, then." She held us by her side, and then a giant yin-yang orb magically appears on my side.

"What the…CRIPES!"

But before I have a chance to check what material the orb are made of, my shoulder is yanked hard, and we're off to the open sky.

"BLOODY BLOOMERS OF MARY! Can't you people just summon a Fighting Falcon out of thin air or something?!" You know what? With all the things they are capable of so far, I won't be surprised if they can actually conjure an F-16 out of nowhere.

"I don't have a falcon, but I've once own a turtle."

What the flaming flicks are you talking about?

"By the way, we haven't been properly introduced. I'm Reimu, of the Hakurei shrine, that is."

"Bandersnatch of the Aquilas."

"What?"

"That's my name. I'm Bandersnatch. Nice too meetcha."

"That's…an Interesting name."

"I know." I sighed. "I get that a lot."

-End of Chapter 1-

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**Okay, just to make it clear. Anyone screaming 'Plagiarism!' doesn't need to worry since I'm doing this just because I'm bored, and not planning on continuing. Well, except maybe if you guys want me to, or I've once again trapped in a place with less connection than a dead turtle.**

**Anyway, already from the beginning you can see how Bandersnatch is different from Randa (damn this fanfic writer tendency to make Awesome McOolname for their OC!). While Ryan Randa got dragged into Gensokyo against his will, Bandersnatch get there by (accidentally) socking Yukari in the face all the way back into Gensokyo with metric tons worth of (stolen) flying metal at mach 0.8.**

**And before you asks, yes, it's **_**that **_**kind of fanfic.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Fuck it. Second chapter devoted to Dead Turtle. Thanks, smartass, you gave me a reason to actually try to see this piece of shit to the finish, just to prove that I can. Sopan dikit napa, gan?**

**And in honor of ZUN, I'll be writing this while hammered.**

**PS: OOC warning. **

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Chapter 2: The Shrine Maiden of Paradise and The Death Dealer of White Agony Creek. Also, Yukari.

And…a soft landing. For my first unaided flight, that went quite smoothly. Well, the first flight aided by a little girl, at least.

"You okay, princess? No dislocated shoulder?"

"Yes, brother, I'm fine."

We've landed at the base of a fairly-old looking shrine on top of a hill. The place looks like it's held up pretty well, but it does have some unnaturally placed broken board here and there, almost like there's a localized natural disaster just recently. But I know better not to ask. I glance towards the far corner, where there sit's a dusty donation box, which makes me remember that I don't know what kind of currency this society are running on. Got to remember to ask later. (A/N: seriously though, what currency does Gensokyo running on? Yen?)

In normal circumstances, I would try to donate or at least bring a gift, since a happy host would usually gives a better deal. But sod, I don't see a bank on the way here.

I turn back towards Reimu who's eyes shine with a slight hope, which actually make me feels like an ass.

"Sorry, I don't have any yen money…or whatever currency you can use."

This sideway comment makes her slight blush considerably brighter. "Ah…no, it's not like I'm hoping…oh, forget it!" Reimu quickly makes for the sliding door entry.

"_Che cazzo, _brother."

What? What did I say?

Regardless, the miko gestures for us to come inside. Shrugging to myself, I oblige, stopping before heading in. My sister close behind.

I drop Bianca at the doorframe, we took our shoes off and step in. the entry room being a small rectangular area with those paper-esque walls and a round little table in the center. It's no five stars hotel, but it is quite cozy, giving the aura of traditionalism. You can always use traditionalism, like Katana from Japan, Keris from Indonesia, and Kukri from Nepal. As long as you can stab people with it. Wait, I'm talking nonsense again.

Reimu sits at one side of the table and waits for us to do the same. Of course, being a (very) traditional Japanese themed living room, I don't expect to see a chair, but I expect to see something else in the room besides, you know, a single table.

My sister apparently doesn't have such though, as she immediately sit in front of Reimu like a good girl.

"Are you not going to sit?" ask Reimu, a little bit more monotone than I would like, but eh.

"Nope, I'll just stand, thank you. It helps me think."

"Suit yourself."

"Ah, sorry, He's being impolite. My brother is just that kind of a person, you see. He does whatever he wants."

"Hey, come on princess…"

"But it's true, right?"

Well, can't deny that. Anyway, there's no need to use that glare on me.

"It's fine with me, but…" Reimu then look at me with those calculating eyes of her, clearly examining my worth as a person. "Doing whatever you want, huh? I can see why Yukari has taken interest in you."

Well, no. there's a high possibility, though I can hardly believe it myself, that the reason she has taken interest in me is because a certain…traffic accident.

"Wait." demand my sister suddenly. "I don't like it how I've been locked out of the loop so far, what any of this has to do with this 'Yukari' person?"

"Ah, yes. I'm sure you have a lot of question."

"We do require some basic intel, yes. For example, the girl that chased me and Karen…she wasn't human. But she does fly and has long canines, is she a vampire?"

"You are pretty perceptive, aren't you? No, she's not a vampire. But she does work for a vampire. That girl was Hong Meiling, gatekeeper of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and she is a youkai."

"Okay, youkai, a classification of Japanese were-beasts and supernatural beings. got it."

"Wait, you're going to just accept that, brother?"

"Yes. Don't worry, I got this."

"O…kay. If you say so."

Whether or not she's telling the truth or not is of little importance right now. And the fact that I'm legally insane helps. It much, much easier to think about all the possibilities when your mind doesn't go in a straight line.

So, Youkai. I can accept that.

"You…are a very interesting person indeed." Reimu stares at the ceiling before continuing. "Truth is, this place -Gensokyo- is mainly for them, Youkai, not humans like us."

Wait, you're human? She makes eye contact with me again.

"I'm sure you've heard stories. Fables, myths, of monsters and inhuman beasts and mortal-bodied gods? I can tell you right now, nearly every one you've been told to be imaginary exists, and the bulk of them are here."

Damn. And I'm wearing my finest suit too. I'm turning into Artemis Fowl here. And if tooth fairy exists, I should start digging graves.

"From my understanding, it became too hazardous for Youkai to remain in the outside world. Human intuition and technology were increasing to a point where if they wanted to go on a widespread hunt and kill of what inhumans remained, they could manage it. …If this sounds far-fetched, the story was told to me by a questionable source. Though it's possible. You should know we seek to destroy or control those who are different than us." I nod at that. A very true statement. That's the reason why I got rich in the first place. Humanities in general just simply want to kill each other. Even parents and their children. _Especially_ parents and their children. Providing the means to fulfill that desire is just another business for me.

"…Then again, Youkai are so carelessly chaotic, it shouldn't be too surprising mankind saw them as their enemy. Anyway, what Youkai available were gathered together in this section of Japan, and separated from the outside world by a certain someone of their own kind. A godlike being, like those I mentioned earlier."

"Yukari?"

"Yes, Yukari."

"Princess, are you following?"

Karen just sitting there wide eyed, probably wondering if she's the insane one, or that the world has gone insane. Personally, I think it was both.

"This is too much crazy for me. I think I'll just, go outside and take in some fresh air. Or shoot myself."

"I suggest the former."

And with that, my sister is off.

"So, this place is called Gensokyo…and it is a place for youkai that has been banished from the outside world."

"That's the basic of it, yes."

"There's no human here? Beside us, I mean."

"Not quite. There's a large quantities of human concentrated in the human village."

"Ah, for food?"

Silence.

"You know, for a human from the outside world, you sure are taking it easy."

"What can I say? I'm just that kind of a person."

"Right. Anyway, no. food stock is not what Yukari has in mind when she decided on bringing human in Gensokyo."

"So?"

"She did that on a whim."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, that is what she said, anyway, that she did that on an impulse, that she decided to have humans live here. Of course, this kind of coexistence is, for the most part, absolutely impossible. Only a select few types of Youkai can resist attacking humans for fun or food, let alone befriending them. And even then, they only respect those with power."

Reimu makes a grim smile. It somewhat creeping me out.

"Part of the reason my profession became necessary. It's the Hakurei shrine maiden's job to keep Gensokyo in check. Go around and solving incidents with the power of the border that keeps this place stable."

"Ah, so you're like, some kind of police?"

"A what?"

"A peacekeeper, an upholder of the law."

"Heh, I wouldn't call myself a peacekeeper, but I did make the spell card rule."

"Spell card rule?"

"That's the basic rule of engagement on any fights that involves two creatures of considerable power. You can call it some sort of power limiter to keep the collateral low."

"I see."

"And it also allows people to challenge me without fear of killing me."

Eh? Why is that such a big deal?

"Elaborate, please?"

"The Great Hakurei Barrier, which separates Gensokyo from the outside world, is directly linked to the Hakurei bloodline. So if I die, Gensokyo is no more."

"So, your existence sustains the entire, err…universe?" well, this universe, anyway.

"Yes."

"My, such a huge responsibility."

"Precisely" Reimu smiles smugly.

"And risky. Have you found the right man yet?"

"Of cour-excuse me?"

"Well, seeing that the continuation of your bloodline are so vital, it is only natural that you make some sort of precaution, am I wrong? Something like an arranged marriage, maybe?"

At that moment, I realize that I have said something very, very offensive, as Reimu's face become as red as her clothing, and her expression is turned into murderous rage.

"I'm sor-"

_**THWACK!**_

My, not even a chance to apologize. Aw, my nose.

"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

Unbelievably fast, Reimu has moved from a sitting position to being prepared to hit me the second time, which I barely dodged.

"Okay! Okay! I respect your independence as a woman or whatever, just put down that gohei! _figlio di puttana_, lady! No need to hit me so hard!"

"Silence!"

Reimu makes a swinging motion with her religious club, which I somehow blocked with my left wrist.

_Crack!_

Well, there goes my IPod.

"Brother! What happened!?" the sliding door exploded open, revealing my sister's concerned face.

"Ah! Hello princess! Nice of you to be joining us!"

Reimu use that slight distraction to try stabbing me in the face. With a stick.

I dodged it by an inch. "Hey! Don't worry about it, okay? A strong woman can choose whenever he wants to get married, isn't that right, Karen?"

"Hey! Don't bring me into this!"

Another stab, this one aiming for my torso, which I dodged flawlessly. If the definition of 'flawless' is almost got pierced by a blunt object.

"Shut! Up! It's not like I want to!"

"Why? You can't find a mate?"

"AAAARRRGH!"

Crap. What happened to me? I usually have enough common sense to know when to keep my mouth shut. But ever since I came here, I just can't help but instantly blurted out what first comes to mind. But certainly the law of gravity doesn't apply here, so I don't think common sense applies either.

Let's recap. Calling someone 'China' almost got me killed, inquiring a woman about their state of affair _is _in the process of getting me killed, so that means that here, the slightest argument could led into a murder trial. The people sure seem to be easily aggravated. Sensible argument doesn't seem possible.

Which means it is likely that no matter how many points I took on boosting "charisma" and "intelligence", I will always fail a speech check.

Reimu was just about to hit me again when a deep, womanly voice comes from somewhere in the room.

"My, my, is it getting hot here, or is it just you two?"

It was that woman. The woman in purple dress. Somehow without any of us noticing her presence, she had spawned right behind my sister.

"_Pezzo di merda!_ Where you came from!?" shouted my sister, jumping back in surprise.

"Wow, I'd say you are less polite than your brother, if not for the recent…accident."

She then gives me that 'you smashed me with a plane' look. Hey, that was an accident.

"Yukari!" shouts Reimu, her face looks even more angry than when she was trying to stab me with a stick.

"Aww, there's no need to shouts, dear, I won't be here for long. Now, would you be nice and provide your guests with some tea?"

"Sorry, guest, but I've run out as of this morning." Reimu answered with a hint of sarcasm as subtle as a Nigerian prince. "Of course, you are more than welcome to run to the human village and get some yourself. Or don't you want your tea?"

"Nevermind, never mind, I'm finding myself not as thirsty as before." Yukari smirks "I suppose you should stick around anyway. This may concern you, too. Fu-fu-fu…" That airy chuckle sounds again. Damn. This girl is trouble, I just know. Maybe it's because she laughs like a Disney villain, but this woman feels like someone who knows what she doing, and will always get what he wants.

Kind of like me, actually.

"Miss Yakumo."

"Mister Aquila."

"Umm…I see that you have another set of that dress."

"No thanks to you. You owe me an umbrella." Yukari waves her long, purple parasol, which she held in her right hand. This particular gesture makes me aware that she's holding something else in her left hand. A duffel bag.

"Would you mind holding this for me? It's quite heavy."

"Hmm? Sure." It does look big, but by the way Yukari holding it, it doesn't look so heavy.

"Catch!"

**WHAMB!**

"_Caramba Cuño!"_

**Thud!**

Right, super strength. Forgot about that.

"Was that Spanish?"

"Yes. My brother can swear in twenty different languages. Here, let me lend you a hand."

My sister pulled me from under the duffel bag, which somehow weights like a mountain. Or an entire armory.

"Ugh, thanks, princess. _Merda,_ what's in that?"

"You should know, that was from your own vault."

Confused, I open the zipper, and greeted by the view of…a staircase?

What is this? There is a huge room inside this comparatively small duffel bag? It well lit too, because I can see a lot of wooden crates inside, of various sizes and coding. This thing has electricity?

I was just about to ask "what the flaming fuck" when Reimu untimely joined the conversation.

"Yukari, I need an explanation, now. Why did you drag these people here?"

"Patience, dear. And it's not necessarily that I 'drag' them here." Yukari makes an air quote, and gives me another one of that 'you smashed me with a plane' looks. Her sharp, yellow eyes make me subconsciously reached for my sunglasses just to hide from that demonic glare.

"Ah, but back to business." She clasps her hands on the table returning her focus to me, sounding a bit more serious. "As you've been told, you are currently inside a world different from your own."

"An acceptable fact."

"Say it for yourself."

"Hey, come on, princess. In our line of work, one needs to consider all possibilities!"

"What line of work?! We are gun smugglers! Not Ghostbusters!"

"An acceptable point."

"Ara~. Now, now, no need to fight. You see, Gensokyo, my little slice of paradise, has been going about a good two hundred years."

"Sure. Go on. You got our attention."

"Ugh, you're speaking for yourself again."

"Mister Aquila, as you've been told, I typically keep the outside and inside of Gensokyo separate. However, some time ago, the aspect of immigration crossed my mind. It's been a few seasons since the last incident, So, I decided that it's a good time for some trial period. Scout out an ideal subject, place them in here, and watch how their lives are lived out. If this succeeds, I might decide to balance out the human-youkai ratio a touch better with some new blood.. (Ah! I see! Because inbred doesn't make for a good snack?) And you two…" she points at me, then at Karen. "…has volunteered to be the first candidate for my little pet project."

"No we didn't."

"Yes you are. I was going to look around for a more suitable candidate. Preferably one with a A sub-par living space, a dead end career , and virtually no interaction with friends or family. Someone that wouldn't miss or be missed by the world. But then, _you _came to me."

Hey! Don't give that look again! dammit! It's not my fault that I don't know how to fly an Airbus!

Well, okay. So it is my fault. Somewhat.

"Did you guys really volunteered for this?" asked Reimu.

"Of course not!" lashes Karen.

"Well, then…"

*SMACK*

That looks like it hurt, even if Yukari didn't budge.

"Yukari," Reimu growls, lowering her weapon, "just what are you playing at, here? You abducted people, essentially discarding their life because you felt like it?"

"My goodness," Yukari rubs the left side of her head where a budding bruise has formed nicely, "it's not like you to get so worked up for others."

"And you." Yukari turned her attention back to me. "Whether you like it or not, the world is a better place without you."

Ouch. That is so sudden. And that hurts.

"It hurts…because it's true." Mutters Karen, seemingly reading my mind.

"Thought…I really liked what you did to China."

Uu~. That one's not my fault. Google told me to…

"So, let me list it here. You've been called 'Death dealer of White Agony Creek, dealing illegal weaponry from Dawson all the way to Glasgow. You are responsible for the deaths of thousand of men and women during the 'September of Ashes', although not directly (not proud of that one myself. If I knew what those British men are up to…I should charge more.) You've been busy in Africa, too. Stimulating civil war just so you can sell surplus APCs and SAMs. You have a front company that sells toys for children, but its primary function is to manufacture weapons of your own design. Your sister her…" she switches her gaze to Karen. "…is quite an engineer."

"I don't know if I should be flattered."

"Also, you've been called 'The True Blight of Arm Industry' for selling such quantity of high level firearms at such low price. Every time you go to USA, the Stock value of Glock went down by twenty percent."

Hehe.

"You choose an odd time to laugh, brother."

"Glock Stock. It rhymes."

My sister simply sighed. "As usual, I don't understand your sense of humor."

"Hey, one needs to enjoy life to the fullest, right?" because as _Alfred_Bernhard _Nobel once said: 'The world is cruel and unforgiving. And it hates you.'_

_"Want me to continue?" Yukari finally says. And I see that Reimu settles for simply leaning against a wall and listening to our conversation. She probably thinks that whatever Yukari about to do to me, I deserve it._

_"Er..no lady Yakumo. Point taken. This place seems interesting. Heck, maybe it could even_ be fun. So we help a while, and you send us back, fair deal."

"Brother!"

"Hey, it's not like we got choices here. Right, lady Yakumo?"

"The answer to that is 'yes' and 'no'"

"Excuse me?"

"You will be staying here, but I won't let you go back. I can't make an accurate call if you quit partway through, can I?"

I exchange gaze with my sister.

"Huh, it seems like we are going to die here?" I tease a bit, somehow manage to hide my own frustration.

"You." She says, it is unclear whether she's talking to me or Yukari. "Are asshole."

"err…right, anyway…" I back to Yukari. After all, I need as much information as I can gather. "Wassup with the bag?" I said, pointing at the unzipped bag near my leg. You can barely see a bit of light escaped from the mysterious lighting of the room inside it. "What is it? A time and relative dimension in space?"

"Well, it's actually closer to a four dimensional pocket."

And I feel like an old Japanese man for understanding that reference.

"You didn't accept my previous gift, so I'd just give that to you."

"Previous gift?"

"The sword."

"Ah, sorry, I panicked." Still, I kind of feel like a rude asshole.

"Che, and that was a very special sword, too. Anyway, just think of anything stored in there, and it'll be sent to your hand."

"Thanks. That's convenient."

"The bag itself is also very strong, and has a lot of special function that you can learn as you go. I've handmade it." She claimed, with the not subtle hint of pride.

Really? It looks like factory quality for me. But whatever, that's not important right now.

"So, Mister Aquila, do we have a deal here?"

…

Oh, sod the multiverse.

"Sure, we have a deal."

"Ukh." Karen seems like she's about to say something, but refrain to do so.

"Good. Cooperate a little, and I'll see you a smooth ride through, hm? We'll speak more tomorrow. Until then," She opens the door to the shrine and steps out into a waiting gap, "take care!" A zipping noise, and the odd woman is gone.

"…Huh." Reimu finally speaks. "That was about the most outgoing way I've ever seen her behave towards…well, anyone." A slight smile crosses her face. "Perhaps that hag is getting her act together."

*POP*

Yukari pops out again. Upside down. At the ceiling. It's Yukari on the ceiling. I hereby confirmed that the world has gone officially insane.

"Whoopsy! Almost forgot. Reimu, they'll be staying here. A longer exposure to serving a guest should help you remember to keep more tea around. Bye, now!" Her head darts back in, and she is gone. For a solid minute, there is silence.

"Um…Miss hakurei?"

"_ YUKARIIIIII!_"

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**Author rant: yes, it's still suck. And I'm still doing this for fun.**

**Anyway…**

**Surfing around the WMG section of TV tropes often can gives you some crazy idea.**

**For example, Youmu and Rinnosuke, both half human, have white hair. Sakuya has white hair.**

**Sakuya often depicted with glowing eyes when in serious mode, same can be said for both Remilia and Flandre.**

**Thus, Sakuya is a Dhampyr.**

**Plot point, GET!**


	3. Chapter 3

So…uhm…I've just read this Doujin in Danbooru (with AdBlock, of course). It's called 'Lovely Dream' and…uh…, remember my off-hand joke at the last chapter about Hakurei bloodline? So in this Doujin, the Hakurei bloodline needs to be preserved, so Reimu needs to get pregnant…so Yukari…

…

**FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!**

EPICBALLSACKSCHLONGWALTDISNEYKIDNEYEXTERMINATORBAL LSBALLSFUCKERFUCKSUCKDICKCUNTFUCKERSHITBRICKHOESLA MDUNKINGWHOREHITBOLLOCKALLMULTIVERSEJASONSTANTHAMT ESTOTERONEFUCKJASONBORNEWANKERFUCKERSHIT. **HOLY. FLAMING. FANGED. TEATS. OF SLANEESH!**

So yeah, I'm pissed.

PS: This chapter won't make any sense due to bad usage of techno babble. And yes, my grammar and vocabulary sucks.

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Chapter 3: LOGIC!

My name is Karen Aquila, and my day for the last twelve hours…let just say, it has been less than stellar.

Okay, first, let me establish that I and my brother are merchants of some sort. You see, we need to deliver large quantities of goods across such a long distance and in such short period. So, my brother "borrowed" a jet.

It crashed.

And suddenly, we are here. This place is called 'Gensokyo'. And it's apparently, for all intent and purpose, a parallel dimension.

Now, I've heard a lot of theories from a lot of smart people about parallel universe. It has been said that each layer of reality _might _have a different law of physic. But think about it, I've learnt physic since middle school, more at high school, and then I studied civil engineering, a discipline based on a well established law of physic.

But then, I GOT SENT TO A WORLD WHERE THE LAW OF PHYSIC SEEMS TO BE BASED ON AN OLD SUPERMAN MOVIE, WENT FLYING LOIS LANE STYLE, AND WITH A LITTLE SHRINE MAIDEN THE SIZE OF A TWIG ACTING AS MY PERSONAL CLARK KENT. WHAT THE. **FUCK.**

*Whew*okay, calm down, Karen, this is not the first time your brother got you in a strange situation. This is just like Africa.

…

NO IT'S NOT!

Gah! It's impossible to sleep like this!

The futon I was given the night prior feels increasingly uncomfortable as I think of the events of the day.

Let see, there's this Yukari person. Which seems to be the supreme being that has separated Gensokyo from the outside world. Right. Supernatural being. As I said before, I'm not exactly a Ghostbuster material, you see. I'm freaking out right now. Where's my brother?

I can see his bag beside me. The bag that Yukari person gave to him.

Apparently, it's bigger on the inside. And it's filled with stuff. I know, I'm the one doing the cataloging.

From the coding on the crates, I know that the crates are from our old family warehouse back in Italy, the one that has existed since the age of renaissance.

The Aquila family has been regarded as a prestigious line of blacksmiths and iron workers ever since the renaissance era. The first recorded history of an Aquila is from the city of Monteriggioni, working as a care-taker of the vast personal armory of one Ezio Auditore da Firenze, a Florentine noble.

Ever since then, the Aquilas have made Monteriggioni their base of operation for various international 'business'. But enough reminiscing, where is that stupid brother of mine?

I rise from my slumber clothed in only my shirt and underwear. Okay, change of priorities. Find pants now, brother later.

I find my pants folded neatly near my pillow and put it on. Then I recover my socks and low-ankle boots from the corner of the room.

Now, off to find my brother. Reimu, the house owner, apparently only have one spare futon. Guess she doesn't get visitors often. Anyway, my brother said "I don't need futon to sleep" so it possible that he has left our room in search of a better place to sleep. Tough maybe he was instead saying "I don't need sleep."?

As I open the paper sliding door, I am greeted by the warmth of a surprisingly early sun. Hmm, I wonder, did that Yukari person somehow created an entirely new sun exclusively for this pocket dimension, or is this the very same sun that has always greeted me in the twisted alleyways of Monteriggioni?

"Good morning, princess." A familiar voice ringed from nearby. It was my brother. Like me, he's also dressed in pants and shirt. But he also wears another piece of attire that is impossible for me to miss.

"An…apron?"

"Yes."

On his right hand, he's holding a kitchen knife. On his left hand, a tray, filled to the brim with what seems to be a Japanese style breakfast. I can see the steams coming out from one of the bowl. Miso soup?

"Brother, you look like a housewife."

"I know."

"What are you doing…looking like a housewife?"

"Contemplating…also, cooking."

"Cook…why?"

"Just because. Now, you want breakfast, or not?"

"Err…sure?" as usual, I can't understand what my brother is thinking. Fun little fact though; my brother never does something 'just because'. It always has a purpose, though not necessarily meaningful one. He's like Stanley Kubrick or Gendo Ikari, but with a bit of Ronald McDonald mixed in, which is pretty terrifying, if you think about it.

My brother hands me the tray, I took it to the edge of the veranda and then sit there, with the tray on my lap.

"So, you were contemplating?"I say as I start stuffing myself. I hate to admit it, but my brother's a pretty good cook. He said it's good for marketing. Go figure.

"Well, yes. And I've come to three conclusions."

"And what is that?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full."

"Ah…sorry." Geez, brother! You really sound like a housewife there!

"Anyway, first conclusion; we are under some sort of instant-translation spell." He said, while twirling his kitchen knife in his hand with the expertise that can only be achieved by a person that has been stabbing people since the age of ten.

"Check this out. I found this lying on the ground." from under his apron (I still can hardly believe he's wearing an apron) he pulled out a folded piece of paper. It's a newspaper, but the text wasn't in roman letters.

"See the text? Archaic Japanese, now, why would Reimu, someone that read Japanese newspaper be speaking English?"

"Maybe she learnt it somewhere?"

"I've considered that possibility, yes. Now, when we were conversing with Reimu last night, did you ever hear me speaking Japanese?"

"I don't remember…"

"Precisely, half the time I was speaking in Japanese! But you didn't realize because you heard it as English! Though since you can still recognize Spanish and Italian, I guess it's only works for English-Japanese." He paused a bit before continuing. "Also, Reimu speaks like a bad Hong Kong dub."

"Okay…so where that bring us?"

Twenty seconds of silence.

"Well, I don't know. It's just nice to know that, I guess."

"Just like that? You never think of who might have casted this, translation spell, on us?"

"Eh, it's probably just Yukari again."

'Just' Yukari, eh? Why I have the feeling that I'm going to hear that excuse a lot?

"Brother, you are weird."

"You've told me that already. Anyway, my second conclusion; I need to leave and find a job."

"Eh?"

"I've checked the warehouse. There's not enough food for the three of us. And judging from the dusts on that donation box, nothing has been put in there since time immemorial. Besides, I don't like to owe people. I need to buy an umbrella."

That last part is a bit strange, but I understand where he is coming from.

"So, where are you going to go?"

"Hmm, maybe I should go back to that red mansion near the lake?"

"The one with that scary Chinese girl? Are you crazy?"

"I am crazy. It's on my passport. Anyway, I'll figure this out. But later."

"Uhh… if you're going to leave, can I go with you?" I hate to admit it, but it seems that my brother is the only thing that makes sense in this world right now, as strange as it sounds. But at least he can't fly and defies law of physic.

"I think you'd do more good if you stay and just helping out here. This shrine doesn't look like it gets many visitors. You're good at PR, right?"

Uh-huh.

"Beside, you'd look good in a shrine maiden outfit."

Wait, what?

"Anyway, moving on. My third conclusion, it's about this place, Gensokyo."

"Yes? What about it?"

"Well, you see, this world, Gensokyo, used to be a part of Japan. Now, how did it separates from our reality and ended up in a parallel universe?"

"I don't know, Resonance Cascade?" I proposed, all the while emptying my bowl of miso soup.

"No, no. a Resonance Cascade is when two sheets of reality collide. What I think happened here is that Yukari used her, as Reimu called it, 'manipulation of boundaries' to create some sort of Local Dimensional Isolation."

"In English, please?"

"Well, are you familiar with Einstein's take on gravity?"

"With trampoline and bowling ball?"

"Yes. Now, let us picture our reality as a giant, two dimensional fabric. Now, if you want to hide a piece of that fabric, what would you do?"

"Cutting it off?"

"No, no, that would be a Local Dimensional _Displacement._ It could create a permanent damage on reality. Like that Bermuda place. No, what you want to do is…" he takes my now-empty bowl, and places it upside down on the tray."…see? Let's just say that this tray is our reality. What I've done is covering a small fraction of this reality by using this miso bowl as some sort of a _boundary_, separating it from the rest of our acceptable reality but without completely removing it from the outside world. And because of that, the sun still rises and the river kept on flowing, that because the sun and the water are coming from the outside world."

"So, if we keep following the river, we would end up at the sea on the outside world?"

"Maybe. Anyway, under this miso bowl…I mean, under this boundary, the _Schrödinger's cat__ effect are in full force. The cat can either be alive or it could be dead, or the cat could decide on donning a Miko outfit and defies gravity. Who knows? For all the possibilities, the fundamental physics might even be different from the outside world. Though, since Gensokyo is not completely separated from the outside world, I don't think the difference would be that great. For example, Newtonian physics are mostly in effect, as evidenced by my face slamming into a tree."_

_"Why would you slam your face into a tree?"_

_"I tried to fly. Anyway, my point is, everything is possible inside Gensokyo, and you shouldn't be limited by outside world's common sense. For example, your meal was cooked by using an electric stove."_

_"They have electricity here?"_

_"Yes, well, according to this newspaper…" he showed me again that newspaper from before. "Let me read the headline for you, since you can't read Japanese; it said 'who needs Uranium when you have a Hell Raven'. Apparently, Gensokyo has a nuclear reactor powered by a dead god."_

_"Uh-huh."_

_"Also, the journalist is a crow."_

"Okay. Continue, please." If the world has gone insane, might as well be insane myself.

"Also there's an advertisement here…Eintei, apparently some sort of a pharmacy, has a discount for a medicine."

"What sort of medicine?"

"Err…I can't read some of the kanji…what _Futanari_ means?"

"You're asking me?"

"It is said to be a breakthrough to take care of Gensokyo's unbalanced sex ratio. Hmm…wonder what its mean."

But before we can speculate further, the door behind us opened, revealing a slightly sleepy Miko, with a bowl of rice in hand.

"Ah, Karen, I didn't ask you to cook…" she says while looking at my brother.

"Err…Miss Hakurei?" My brother has told me to specifically call Reimu with 'miss', not Ms nor Mrs. Apparently, it's a sensitive subject in Gensokyo. "That's my brother in the apron."

"Don't worry, Miss Hakurei, I made sure I'm using as little ingredients as possible. Also, I didn't eat anything."

"Ah, sorry. But you two do look alike."

"My brother is one head shorter."

"Oh, come on."

"Well, thought I appreciate the gesture…" she said, rising the bowl of rice slightly."…I don't like it that you're being so hard on yourself. I blame Yukari for this, not you."

"Hey, I'm okay. It's nothing. Besides, we don't want to be a total freeloader. My sister here can do some sweeping if you want."

"Oi. You're speaking for yourself again."

"No, I'll do it later. For now, just go wash your face. I need to teach you something."

"What something?"

"The second most essential thing for living in Gensokyo." She paused to take a little bit of rice with her bare hand. I though Miko supposed to be dignified. "It's time to teach you some Danmaku."

Teach us what?

_End of Chapter 3_

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**Man tries to apply logic in Gensokyo. Please wait warmly until his head asplode.**

**So yeah. A little short interlude (PS: I don't know what 'interlude' means) here to establish the OC's characters. Let's just pretend that Bandersnatch is a genius, eh? (PS: this is not a 'real' self insert. I'm not that smart.)**

**Anyway, I'm calling it now; Sakuya Izayoi VS Corvo Attano. Who'd win in a fight?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay. Now, back to the original scenario. Danmaku training.**

**And is it just me, or is everyone who writes Touhou fanfic is also a megaman fan?**

**Well, I'm not.**

**Anyway, Doujin recommendation; 'The Flower That Follows the Sun'. It's sad, but it's the good kind of sad. The kinds of sadness that can make you smile. (D'awww, Yuuka, so even you can cry…)**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Chapter 4: We Have Reached Unlimited Dakka Works. Is it Enough?

Right, Danmaku. From my limited knowledge of Japanese language, it's mean 'Bullet Curtain'.

Whatever that thing is, it sounds awesome.

Well, Reimu explained that this 'Danmaku' thing was what she threw at the flying gate guard (I want a jetpack) the other day. Those amulets? Those were her Danmaku, bullets that one can summon from themselves and never deplete. Ever.

Unlimited bullets. I admit, the first time I heard this, I have a stupid ear-to-ear grin plastered on my face for a solid minute.

Did I mention that I love projectiles?

Especially if they explode?

"Okay, so, how do we do this 'Danmaku' thing?" asked Karen.

"Pay attention." Commands Reimu.

Oh, I'm listening, alright. It's a _motherfucking_ _unlimited bullets!_

Unlimited bullets is, like, infinitely better than just bullets!

"Look at that tree, please." Reimu pointed at a nearby tree. I think that's the one I hit when I tried to fly. The one that I smashed with my face.

Revenge time.

"Hm!" Reimu grunts as a series on cards materialize in mid-air, launching at the tree with lightning speed before embedding themselves in the wood. A few moments later, they burst into tiny points of light that, soon after, fade away.

They explode.

_Belezza!_ They _fucking explode!_

It's an unlimited bullets that _**explode!**_

"Um, brother?"

"Yes, princess?"

"Can you stop smiling like an idiot?"

Am I? oops.

"Ah, sorry..."

"So that." Reimu returns her attention back to me."…was my danmaku. It comes out in that form due to the fact that I come from the holy bloodline of Hakurei, and are to reflect that. All danmaku for Gensokyo natives typically represent who they are on some level, however-" she pauses, "For outsiders like yourself, it pretty much is shaped however you like it. Just know that once the shape has been set and its function decided, it can't be changed. Choose carefully."

"Sheesh. Brother?"

"Yes?"

"Go easy on the explosion, please? Because If I get this right, you can make any kind of bullet using this 'Danmaku' technique."

"Urm… right." Don't smile like an idiot, don't smile like an idiot.

Oh, fuck it. Bollocks to the everything.

"Since it's your first time, you might want to use a medium."

"A what?"

"Medium. A conduit to channels your inner power. For the maximum effect, the object you use as a medium must be something with a strong emotional connection to you."

Strong emotional connection? Heh, easy.

"Well, then it's Bianca for me. What do you want, princess? Remember, we have the entire first armory in that bag Yukari gave us."

"A nineteen-eleven."

Eh?

"Isn't that a bit…outdated?"

"My first gun was a 1911."

"Oh, is that so?"

"You should remember, brother. You're the one who gave it to me."

"Am I? Eh, whatever. An M1911 it is."

"Make it quick. I don't want to stand around too long."

"Sure, Miss Hakurei."

I run back to the house, back to our room. Where Yukari's four dimensional bag lies somewhere near the unfolded futon.

Now that I think about it, 'Four dimensional bag' is quite a long name. Maybe I'll just call it 'Bob' from now on.

No, that's stupid.

Anyway, I've been experimenting on using this bag all night. Should be easy.

I open the zipper and put my right hand in, and start picturing in my mind the form of my beloved Bianca that I've stored in there.

When I felt the familiar grip, I pull out, revealing a long, tosca green piece of metal I've been called 'friend' since a long time.

Or maybe it's actually an olive green. I've never bothered to check.

"Patience, old pal. You'll be back in action in no time." I whisper as I set aside the good ol' sniper rifle on the floor (or tatami. Whatever.) beside me.

Okay. Now for my sister, an M1911.

I put my hand back in the bag.

The M1911, as the name suggest, was created in 1911 by the master himself, John Browning, and has been standard issue for U.S military ever since.

Due to its iconic nature, it shouldn't be difficult to picture the form of an M1911 in my mind in order to retrieve it from Yukari's bag.

Well, except the fact that along the span of hundred years, there's been, like, a gazillion version of M1911.

And with Karen's quick cataloging last night (Which I still don't know how she did all that in one night, considering the size of the hyperspace armory), I know that there's at least five variants of M1911 stored inside this bag.

Colt Government Mk. IV Series 70, with the Accurized Colt Barrel Bushing, whatever that means. I'm not the engineer in the family.

A Smith and Wesson knock-off, with Pachmayr grip. Still don't know what that means.

The British version, chambered for 455. Webley Auto.

Civilian version of Colt M1991A1.

And M15 General Officer.

So, because M1911 has more variants than cancer, I'll just picture the basic outline of an M1911 and see what comes out.

Inside Yukari's bag, my hand suddenly felt something plastic. But nonetheless, it feels like the grip of a gun. So maybe I just accidentally grab a Glock 19 or something.

I pull out, and surprised that the thing that I'm holding was in fact, in the most technical meaning, a gun.

But…

Well, let me tell you a few things that are wrong about the gun I'm currently holding right now.

First, it has no iron sight nor scope.

Second, it's huge as fuck.

Third, it has the stopping power equals to a calm river on the surface of mars. Which is to say, nonexistent, due to the fact that this thing shoots _water._

Yeah, it's a fucking Super Soaker.

It's a long plastic tube with purple decals, and a bright, orange nozzle. And from the label sticker on the side, apparently this thing is called 'CPS 2000'. Ah, remember those days when they just slapped '2000' on everything to make it sounds futuristic?

Anyway, what be this? Did Yukari put it in here? What did she thinking?! Why would I need a toy watergun in a world with artillery grade flying miko, a super kung fu master, and _friggin vampires?_

Eh, whatever. Let's just put this back in, shall we? I'll think about it later.

"Oi! Bandy! What took you so long?!"

"Ah! Coming, Miss Reimu!"

Wait, did she just call me 'Bandy'? What am I, a Looney Tunes cartoon character?

I put my hand back in the bag, now specifically picturing the outline of a civilian-legal M1991A1 Compact ORM with shorter barrel and generally cuter appearance.

This time, I pulled out the sleek tube of death spitting metal without a hitch.

And then, carrying both Bianca and the ORM, I run back to where Reimu and Karen are.

"Finally! I've been waiting long enough."

"My apologize. I have some problem with the bag."

"Heh, I'd say, when Yukari gives you something, don't be too quick to believe. You sure it didn't try to eat your hand or anything?"

"Err, no. I'm pretty sure it didn't. Is Yukari really that scary?"

"She's less 'scary' than she is 'annoying'. As I said, she does whatever she wants, and she has the power to back it up."

Funny. The more I know about her, the more Yukari sounds like a prohibition era mafia boss.

"Is that a 2001 model?"

"_Autentico_. It's the ORM." I confirmed as I give her the gun.

"Si, good enough."

"The power of the weapon itself doesn't matter. You're only going to use it as a medium. Look at my Gohei. Does it look like a powerful weapon to you?"

In the right hand, maybe. I can kill people using a wooden backscratcher.

"I've emptied the magazine. Just in case that there's something wrong with combining magic and gunpowder."

"That's surprisingly restrained for you, brother."

"Hey, I like explosion. Just not straight on my face, alright? I'm insane, not stupid."

"Enough talking. Let's get started." Orders Reimu.

_Va bene._

By the way, there's always one kind of gun I've always wanted to have, and now? Now the opportunity is mine.

It's silly, immature, and inspired by internet phenomenon. All crazy aside, though, come on, did you never, as a child, lament for a gun that let you fire some sort of natural disaster at the advancing Nazi stormtroopers?

Also, I really need to push back the urge for creating cannon that shoots kamikaze Batman clones. That would be waay too silly even for this situation.

Looking up the scope, I take aim at the tree, deciding mother nature's gonna take one for the team, and fire…or lack thereof, because nothing happens.

"Don't treat it as such a casual action!" Reimu called over. "Focus yourself on the medium before attempting to form anything."

"Maybe I should try first, brother."

"Sure, go ahead."

Holding the semi-auto in her right hand, using her left hand as a support, my sister takes aim. And pull the trigger.

But instead of a 45 ACP, a burst of small, golden stream of laser comes out from the muzzle, and hit the tree straight in the middle of the trunk. In a matter of seconds, the general area where the laser hit start to glows red. And then explode, taking a good chunk of the tree with it.

"Laser, huh? Kinda generic…" Reimu states in a warning tone. Of course. Like she said, once you decided something to be your danmaku, there would be no changing it. So, I come closer to my sister and ask her, in a whispering tone and as sarcastic as possible;

"A _phaser_? Really?"

"_Ve_, I like classic, okay?"

I took a glance at her M1911A1, and I think 'No Shit!'.

"Your turn, bandy. Show me what you got."

"Pfft, bandy…" chuckle my sister.

Oh, please…

I took aim once again, make sure the scope is set at 1X magnification, I closed my eyes and concentrating on the cool metal on my hand. An image is formed in my mind, an image of a certain white doodling of a man with fedora and glasses, a white doodle on a yellow background.

In the immortal words of Benjamin Richard "Yahtzee" Croshaw;

"…_As for the guns, I could mention the hugely satisfying penis-extension gun that pins baddies to walls with entire trees but all you really need to know is that __**there's a gun that shoots shurikens and lightning**__.__"_

No, I wouldn't make The Shuriken Gun. That would be copyrighted. But that quote right there? It inspired me. I will make a _Danmaku_ that I could call my own. It would be the bestest Danmaku anyone will ever witnesses. Whatever rule of nature Gensokyo is running on, I will bypass it! In order to create the most glorious and magnificent explosion in the history of existence!

"…_I wish I could make something like that up. It shoots shurikens and lightning; it could only be more awesome __**if it had tits and was on fire**__.__"_

I check on Bianca in a slight hope that she has somehow developed some kind of incendiary mammary, alas, no such luck.

"You were thinking of something absurd, weren't you, brother?"

"Am I?"

Once more, I look down the scope. A tingly sensation welled up in my chest, before flooding my entire body. I aim once more, finger slightly trembling as the energy in that area intensified, then seemed to stretch into the gun. It was as if the weapon had become little more than an extension of my arm; I could no longer tell where my hand ended and it began. I hold my breath to stabilize my aim, this is the moment of truth. I open my eyes, and quickly note that the feeling remains. The feeling of energy. It feels like a storm is brewing inside myself, an unlimited power of utter destruction waiting to be let out. It feels alien, yet strangely familiar, like it has always been there, but only now that I have the mean to release it. I can feel a breeze, but not a regular breeze. This breeze, I can feel the air moving in a highly eccentric manner, as if it has a mind of its own. It's encircling me, cooling me down on my torso, to my forearms, through my fingers, and finally moving down the muzzle of my gun. Blue lines of light begin to be drawn from my fingers into the chamber of my gun. Somehow, I instinctually know that I need to cock it.

_**GA-CHINK!**_

The barrel of my gun starts to glow red, then yellow, then blue. And as the heat reach maximum and my gun gives off a streaking white glow, I refine my aim, and pull the trigger.

WHOOSSH!

I felt something leaving my body, as my cute, little Bianca suddenly gives enough kickback to rival a dozen of 50 BMG anti-materiel sniper rifles. I manage to take a single glance at the projectile I've just fired before falling on my butt. Moving at the speed of an express train, a massive, spinning form of localized storm cloud in the shape of a miniature typhoon, giving off sparks of lightning before it hit the poor sapling of a tree, and explodes in one massive, magnificent earth-shaking 'KA-BOOOM!'.

When the dust cleared off, all that is left from the poor tree is a smoking, jagged stump, partially uprooted from the ground it was planted on.

"Impressive."

"Thanks, Miss Hakurei." I smiled, while picking myself up.

"There are flaws in your shot, though. Few are quite glaring ones."

There goes the smile.

"First, it took too long to charge. Though I don't know why you would want to have a charged Danmaku, in actual battle, your opponent won't simply lingers around waiting for you to fire a single shot. Second, although it has a great destructive force, the projectile itself is too slow and it would take a while to reach its target, if it's still there. Third, the recoil is waay too big. You won't be able to dodge bullets when you're lying on your back, knocked out by your own shot."

Wait.

"You're supposed to dodge bullets?"

"Of course! You want to get shot?"

Huh. Okay, dodging bullets. I can do that.

"_Maledire, _I told you to go easy on the explosion, brother."

"Ve, I'll manage."

I can't help but notice that all the "flaws" that Reimu pointed out is the exact same problem of a regular sniper rifle. Terrible rounds per second, took a long time to reach its target, requiring a leading shot, and a knockback that rivals that of a rampaging elephant.

So, yeah, I'll manage.

"Besides, I like explosion."

Reimu suddenly slapped her own face.

"From all people Yukari can bring here, it has to be a second Marisa."

"Who?"

"No. you don't need to know about her. Not yet. But you'll probably meet her soon enough. Just in case I'm not around when that happens, be listening for a 'Marisa Kirisame'."

"Kirisame?" that name sounds familiar.

"Meili…that gate guard, she mentioned Kirisame before."

"Let's just say that Marisa has a strained relationship with the Scarlet Devil folks."

Scarlet Devil. Foreboding name, that is. And this 'Marisa' girl sounds like trouble, though Reimu seems hardly apprehensive to mention her…either way, none of my business. I'll take care of her when it comes to it.

"Anyway," Reimu continues, "that's all said and done. In any case, some work needs to get done around here before any other lessons."

"There are more?" inquires Karen.

"Oh, you know, flying, Spell Cards, that sort of thing."

"Flying, huh?" Says Karen sarcastically. I guess flying really isn't her thing.

"Hmm. Can you tell me more about this 'Spell Card'?"

"We'll talk about it later. But basically, a spell card is a one time-per battle attack that is stronger than your regular shot, and cover a wider area of effect."

"So, it's like a…finisher move or something?"

"I won't call it a finisher. It's just…stronger. Anyway, more importantly, you'd need at least a single Spell Card to be included on the Spell Card rule."

"And that means…?"

"Spell Card rule makes sure that no one will be killed in a Spell Card duel. As I've told you, it's our way to resolve dispute."

"Ah. Okay. I think I got the gist of it."

"You did? I can't even make head or tail from that explanation!"

"Come on, princess. It's magic. Just go with it."

I look back at Bianca. Her barrel isn't even smoking from shooting that miniature lightning storm. I guess magic is just really that great, huh?

Some people might think that combining modern day firearm with magic can only lead to disaster and can backfire spectacularly due to the incompatibility of even their basic ideals. But being an Eoin Colfer fan that I am (Magnificent troll! It's pronounced 'Owen'!), I know that _Magic _and _Technology _can work well together, especially if they are combined into a single concept called _Firepower._

"Brother, you're smiling like an idiot again."

"My, you really are weird, aren't you?"

Am I weird? I don't care. As long as I can blow shit up, I'm fine with being weird.

We used the rest of the morning working here and there. Despite Reimu's insistence that if she needed something she'd ask, and didn't want to risk any of us wrecking anything, I still end up hefting some sacks of rice to a shed in the back, while Karen sweeping the perimeter with a broom that seems mightily underused. Then we spent the later hours drinking some tea outside (Tough I don't really like green tea that much) and chatting on matters of Gensokyo and the Outside World. Reimu had been curious as to certain technological advances that she'd caught glimpses of in the shop of a man named "Rinnosuke", and I just needed information period.

I'm especially interested with a class of magical creatures called 'Fairies'. Apparently, they are a bunch of mentally under-developed immortals with the attitude of a lemming. Two words; Zerg Rush. If such being exists in the outside world, Geneva Convention would need to be rewritten.

Suddenly, Yukari appeared.

Yeah, I have the feeling that this will happen a lot.

"Hello, dearies!" Came the voice of the older woman from a gap that suddenly emerged in front of the shrine. Out walked Yukari, spinning her parasol a little, grinning merrily at Reimu, then fixing her focus on me, and my sister right behind me, still carrying her broom. "I trust you managed to get some work in this morning?" This was clearly directed at Reimu.

"I taught them how to use danmaku, and that was it." Said the miko, already grumpier than before. Yukari pouted a little."

"Just danmaku, not how to fly? Reimu, _for shame_." She made a "tsk" noise in disapproval. Reimu subtly reached for her gohei in response. "But that's why _I'm_ here!" Yukari beamed with a hint of mischievous intent, heading our way, "To make sure these matters are handled correctly. Not that you can't handle it, Reimu." I didn't need to look to tell Reimu was just about ready to smack the youkai once more. My, with the way they interact, one can wonder whether they are nemesis, or spouses.

"Lady Yakumo, apologize for interrupting, but…" I begin loudly, standing up and diverting attention from the tense atmosphere,"…do you require something of us? Can we do anything for you?"

Because, when you are faced with the person who may has created the world that you are currently standing in, it's best to be polite.

"Oh, hardly, dear." Yukari smiled. "I want you to do something _with_ me!"

"Trust me, there's no difference." Says Reimu, directed towards me.

"My dear Reimu, maybe you can learn something from our friend here. Something about politeness."

"You're the last person I want to hear that from, you old troll."

I couldn't help but snicker as Yukari's face took an ever-humorous hint of irritation via twitching eyebrow.

"May I say, you aged up nicely, lady Yakumo. If you were human, I'd say that you're about seventeen. You even look younger than Miss Hakurei!"

"W…What!?"

"Oh, my. Thank you." Yukari's face brightens. And as she swept a lock of blond hair behind her ear, I swear I can see a hue of red on her cheek. Tough it's probably just the sun.

I can also see my sister mutters an unvoiced protest. But from the movement of her lips, I can cleanly read 'Bootlicker' on there. Oh, come on.

"Well, regardless," Yukari began, smiling widely in a pure triumph, "we must be going. So! Grab your bag and your fedora. Don't you know that it's taboo to not wear any head covering in Gensokyo?"

"Really?" I locked gaze with Reimu, but the Miko only gives a shrug.

I turned my back, about to run back to the house and retrieving my bag, when suddenly, I felt something grabbing me by the wrist.

"You know what? On second thought, let me just take it for you."

"Wha…"

But before I could utter a single protest, Yukari flicks her finger. And then, we fall.

Dark. Dark, and purple. This was all that registered in my senses for a good, oh, five seconds while the Border Youkai whisked me through her little dimension of violet and eyeballs. I've always wondering how it would feels to be swimming in a sea full of eyeballs. Honestly, it's not as fun as I thought it would be. Luckily it didn't last long, as we emerged shortly in a wide open field, grass billowing as far as the eye could see. It was very…well, pretty, for lack of a more impressive description. My focus was restored when Yukari smack my face with a very familiar looking duffel bag.

"Okay, it's time now! Grab your gear, please!"

"Time for what?" I asked as I retrieve Bianca and the M1911 from the hyperspace bag. I also, strangely, retrieve two fedoras, one white and one black. Mine was the black one.

I give Karen the M1911 and offer her the white hat.

"Eh, might as well. It's kinda bright here."

Good. Now we both look like a fully armed Jason Mraz clone.

"Now that you are ready, let's do this! Oh, aren't you excited?!"

"Again I ask, lady Yakumo. Do what, exactly? Are you going to tell us how to fly?"

"Oh, that?" She chuckled. "Ah silly boy, you don't possess that ability!"

"Good. My brother is bad enough at flying. We don't need him to reenact September of Ashes with his face."

"Isn't flying a common ability, though? You even teased Reimu about not teaching us."

"Flying? No, Reimu only thinks it is. Also, I tease because it's funny. Quite a few youkai travel in a method similar to flying, but its not the same."

"I see."

Oh well. Now, do I have AA guns or flak cannons somewhere in this bag? Because I have the feeling like I'm going to need it.

"Oh, don't be so worried, dear. Like I said, there are many alternatives, and you'll find yours. For now, let's get down to business."

She took a few steps back. Intertwining her fingers, she looks at both me and Karen, glancing up and down our form before nodding to herself. "Right. We're here to determine what your special ability is." .

"I know of five ways on how to kill human with a carrot. Does that counts as special ability?"

Yukari only response was a puzzled headtilt. "You mean Reimu didn't tell you? Sheesh, I must have words with that girl." She sighed. "Anyway, let me give you some examples. Reimu can call on the powers of the gods. The head maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion can stop time. A certain witch you've probably heard of can master most any kind of magic spell. A shrine maiden who lives on a mountain is said to be capable of miracles. These are but a few examples, and all of them are unique to their holder. Even if two people bear near-identically shaped danmaku, their ability will always be their own. Like, if your danmaku had been shaped to resemble Reimu's it wouldn't change anything."

"Wait, someone can stop time!?" interrupted Karen, her tone is that of disbelief.

"Calm down, sister. The Schrödinger's cat effect, remember? Everything is possible here. Anyway, you were watching our Danmaku practice?"

"Oh, yes! And I must say, I'm impressed. Your first Danmaku, and you've already thinking of making a Typhoon Cannon. It's seem that you guys have adapted surprisingly well with how we do things here!"

Typhoon Cannon, huh? That's as good of a name as any. Tough I'm still reminiscing on a gun that can shoot exploding kamikaze Batman clones.

"So, princess. What do you think of this?"

"Well…"she srugged."I guess we can give it a try. How are we going to do this, again?"

"I don't know." Yukari shrugged, giving us a sheepish smile. Karen's mouth hangs slightly agape.

Well.

This is just magnificent, isn't it!

_End of Chapter 4_

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_**You know, sometimes I forgot that my characters supposed to be Italian. For example, they are using American (Colt) and British (Accuracy International) guns, instead of Italian (Something like Beretta) guns.**_

_**Also, Ryan Randa has a gun. The model has never been specified, but since it's a 9mm, I assume it was some variant of Beretta 92.**_


End file.
